Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Slaying Dragons

Over the past year I have slain several dragons; undesirable behavioral patterns that were not beneficial to anyone, least of all me. It started the first time I met a gifted homeopath working in RI 2 years ago. My friend who saw her, referred to her as a Sage and I think it is an appropriate term. For 6 months I was skeptical, but the more I read and experimented, the more I realized I needed her help. Always being one for self-evaluation and change, I felt stuck. There were things about myself that I didn't like and, honestly, didn't feel represented who I truly was on the inside. However after several attempts, I was unsuccessful at changing these patterns on my own. I needed something to help me transition, shed the ugly layers of my personality that I grew over my lifetime to reveal someone more like the people I admired. I was so full of judgement, fear, and defense mechanisms. I didn't know how to be open and friendly to people. I wanted to achieve a sense of calmness, clarity, and genuine compassion for others. Of course, with these mental and emotional challenges came unpleasant physical symptoms: because all that ails us physically is directly a result of our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. This is something I have learned to be true through my experience with homeopathy.

Following 8 months of sessions and 2 carefully chosen remedies, I have experienced growth on many levels. I'm no longer in a job I resent or a body I poison with rich and addictive foods. My body is free of unwanted physical symptoms, or dis-ease. Most of the time I experience great clarity in thought, I am able to not "react" to things that are done or said to me but recognize that I am calling my experiences to me. I look for how to grow from negative circumstances instead of being a victim of them. I find it easier not to react to other people but to listen and validate. Granted, I don't do any of this as well as The Sage, but each day I gain more wisdom and clarity and find even greater peace, patience, and love for others.

This is until my husband and partner decided to attempt an adult conversation with me about some of his concerns on the domestic front. He approached me in a healthy and loving way and in a complete departure from the direction I am trying to grow, I, in a phrase, lost my mind. Instead of listening to his concerns, validating his points, and working as a team the way I promised in our wedding vows, I took everything he said as a personal attack and sulked. How's that for clarity and growth? Not exactly my proudest moment.

It made me realize that I do have more dragons to slay. I sit and think about why I get so defensive. And more specifically, why am I such a procrastinator? Why do I hate being micro-managed with "to do" lists (even if I make them myself!) yet also don't know how to accomplish things without them? Why do I so deeply in my core resist my time being structured? Of course, like any normal person, I can first blame my parents. After all, they overdid the control thing a tad during my teen years and I responded with absolute rebellion. However, I'm 32. I cannot blame my parents for my current behavior patterns and responses when I should be adult enough to decide to change them. But can I? We're talking 15-20 years of deeply instilled habits. Rebelling now isn't rebelling against some parental dictatorship over an arbitrarily early curfew, rebellion now is only hurting me and my familiy in the end. I don't know how I am going to right this glitch in my path to wellness, but I am damn sure going to somehow. I think I may need to visit The Sage again, not sure I can take on this beast by myself.

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