I kept thinking it was something other than what I am currently doing. I thought maybe it was that I should be a chef. Or the owner of a juice bar and cafe, serving foods that nourish the body and the soul. Or was it that I should be more seriously pursuing a living as a doula, supporting mothers as they transition into a new role with the new little spirit who chose them as a guide. Or maybe I missed my higher purpose when I didn't go to Berklee College of Music. I stop just short of calling it a 'regret' but it is by far the biggest "what if" of my life. Or maybe its growing spiritually by studying homeopathy. Or maybe it is that I should be practicing homeopathy and helping others. So much time pondering, wondering and being open to what it is I am supposed to be doing that serves myself and others in some divine way. Waiting for the light to shine and show me the way to my path of service. So much time has been spent trying this and that and then feeling like I wasn't doing enough, like I should be doing more or something different.
And then yesterday, I found it. In one not-so-extravagant moment, it occurred to me. I am already doing it. I am blessed to be able to stay home and guide my child and help him grow. I am lucky enough to be here to create a home we can all enjoy, which sounds esoteric but is in reality laundry, meal preparation, errands and other various and sundry household activities. I am the reason my husband can go out into the world and earn a living as much as he is the reason I am able to stay home and nurture our child. I can't believe I wasted so much time, energy and money trying to find something that was right under my nose. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a thousand different things everyday. And when I am not distracted by trying to find "what I am supposed to be doing," I love doing it too.
So today I let go of things that pull me from this center. As time moves forward, and my family grows, and I evolve, I expect that my high purpose will evolve too. But for now, THIS is what I am doing. It's a welcome relief to stop looking outside for something that is already here. Everything I need, I already have.