Two Years Raw in Review

It was two years ago in August that I waded into the raw food world.  I'm feeling the need to explore and review my journey from then until now and the observations I have made along the way.  

My initial foray started as a desire to find something as good for my body as the raw food diet I'd been feeding the dogs for nearly a decade.  I was exploring vegetarianism and veganism. Those culinary and dietary adventures took place the June and July of 2007.  I was not a fan of the high soy content and it just wasn't feeling like the lifestyle would suit me.  I was definitely looking for a lifestyle, not a fad.  The word diet has so many connotations, many of them not good but is really just about choices.  We all follow a diet. Some follow a McDonald's and potato chip diet, others follow Weight Watchers, The Zone, Atkins, etc. But when trying to experience greater health and increased energy, what I was looking for really had to be something that meshed with my lifestyle, meaning it resonated at all three levels of my being; physical, mental/emotional and spiritual. Something that would incorporate over time into just being what I do because it feels right and not something I have to work too hard at "staying on" with the inevitable "falling off" and accompanying effort, struggle, guilt and feelings of failure.

My friend Melissa was doing her own exploring in this area and suggested the book that forever changed my relationship with food; The Raw Food Detox Diet by Natalia Rose.  It is one I suggest to people interested in raw foods as a good starter because it is not dogmatic about being "a raw foodist." It's about assessing your current choices and lifestyle and making small improvements over time.   Natalia Rose is a nutritionist so it is also overflowing with valuable information about our digestive process, how foods are utilized, what certain foods do to the body and, of course, recipes. I also happen to love her approach to raw foods and eating awareness with children since she is also a mother. 

After reading this book, I immediately bought a juicer and started drinking fresh juices, some green but a lot fruity.  At this point, I focused mostly on getting good stuff into me and less on avoiding things.  Things sort of skyrocketed at that point, the more live enzymes, live foods and cleaner eating began crowding out the less optimal options.  Then before I knew it, I actually desired more and more live, energy-giving raw foods.   My goal initially was simply 50-60% raw and the rest primarily vegan with occasional fish and some unhealthy junk food habits.  This amounts to fruit until lunch, a salad at lunch and a mostly cooked dinner. She outlines eating light to heavy over the course of a meal and the course of a day. The logic Rose gives on this made sense for me and I still tend to eat in this pattern.  Whenever I found myself going off the rails at this point, forcing down juices for a day or two quickly brought me back.  I think the slow improvements and transitional foods Rose advocates are really what helped me transition into a primarily raw vegetable diet.   Transitional foods such as sprouted grain breads, brown rice, whole grain pastas, fish, sweet potatoes, lightly cooked vegetables, and organic 70% dark chocolate bars as treats.  During the first 15 months or so I was able to get accustomed to these changes, fall back into my prior habits and get right back on rather easily. I knew from the get-go this was the lifestyle I was looking for. It honors the planet, local and organic produce, the animals, and my body. It felt good on all levels.  I lost the 20 pounds I have fluctuated between for most of my adult life.  I had abundant energy, clear skin,  and simply felt fabulous.  The cleaner diet made way for a clearer spirit and calmer way of relating, particularly with Ian. Who I was on the inside was reflected in who I was on the outside and vice versa. There was harmony in my being. 

By the one year mark I had started eating 70-80% raw with short bursts of 99+%.  I felt joyful. I also was feeling a little too concerned with the number, like it was some sort of self imposed challenge to remain raw.  I beat myself up when I "failed."  This is when, now, I see the emotional stuff started surfacing.  The stuff I needed to face and every person who loses weight needs to face, lest they gain it all back.   I needed to face the emotional ties, but I wasn't ready. The universe, in its infinite wisdom, delivered me an emotional challenge in the fall 2008 that rocked my previously calm and centered self.   As if to say, "Oh you think you got it figured out, here, let's challenge that!"  I sank into a very mild, 8 month depression and found it challenging to stay raw and make healthy choices.  Comfort foods called to me. Slowly, but surely, cheeses and ice cream (and the excess mucus and eczema) made frequent appearances.  Mentally justified baked goods were often created lovingly in my kitchen and then devoured every time I passed by.  Feelings of failure at my lack of willpower or any comment that implied such made me feel worse, so I reached for more.  Pastas led to cooked meals a few times a day. By spring, raw was the fleeting, often pathetic attempt between binges on carbs. Needless to say, every one of the twenty pounds came back in a flash.  I tried the gym in a half-hearted attempt to justify my poor eating choices. I needed my drug of choice to medicate the pain. I still had an intellectual interest in raw foods. I networked with other raw food people in the area. I read new books. Nothing helped spur me back on the track of desiring my health again.  Short bursts of eating raw gave me some clarity and relief but they didn't last. I wasn't addressing the cause of my problem.  

As spring moved into summer I was able to get back to regularly eating about 60% raw with the other 40% being less than optimal choices.  I experimented with adding small amounts of meat back into my diet up until just last weekend.  I know the last year sounds like it was a real bummer for me, but it really served me to get to see exactly how different foods affect my body, mind, and spirit.  This experience was illuminated for me when I read Raw Emotions by Angela Stokes. A MUST READ for anyone who struggles with yo-yo-ing, dieting/bingeing, and emotional, unconscious eating.  It shines a light in the darkness, at least it did for me.  While her point of view is obviously as a raw foodist, the bulk of the book is not about that. It's about our emotional and physiological addictions to food and it contains several tips and techniques for recognizing unhealthy patterns and ways to help fix them.  I've never read a book focused on the EMOTIONAL reasons for obesity and how to address those, the one thing that everyone on a quest to be healthy and lose weight must address at some point.  So with the light shining from Raw Emotions now in my thought process, I was able to see patterns, connect dots, draw conclusions, become conscious and make better choices. Easily.  And it began the next day.

For the last 3 weeks I have easily chosen a 99% raw foods, 90% of the time.  And the other 10% of the time, I am conscious of my choice. I pause and do some internal work, and think about what's going on. The lousy choices made in the last few weeks have had clearly observable results making it easier to make better choices thereafter.

For example over the last 2 years and particularly the last few weeks I have determined;

ALL cooked grains and most particularly white ones and processed sugar are what I reach for when I am stressed. I don't taste them and slow down to enjoy them, I eat them compulsively.  They don't fill me because they are not being eaten to fill a nutritional need. They are eaten to fill an emotional disturbance, so once eaten I am still actually hungry and must eat until satiated anyway.  This I noticed a few days after reading Raw Emotions. I was stressed about packing for the trip to Vermont and given that we were leaving for the weekend, my fridge was sparse. Ian asked for pasta for lunch and I made him a brown rice pasta with peas, broccoli, and red peppers, seasoned with olive oil, salt, and a little nutritional yeast for cheesy flavor.  I was stressed out and rationalized a taste. This turned into a spoonful or two right out of the pot.  Then when I was feeling overwhelmed by something,  I found myself standing there again, spoon in hand, and the illuminating awareness appeared. STOP.  THINK.  I recognized in that moment I was stress-eating to dull the emotion. I've read in several places that one cannot feel emotionally during the primitive act of eating.  What a highly affective emotional sedative.  But wha-la, there it was and I was in the act. So it wasn't like it went unnoticed or realized in retrospect. This was a monumental moment of growth for me. I stopped and for the rest of the day noticed immediately when I felt drawn to the stovetop and stopped to address why I was stressed instead of self-medicating. 

In more than a minute quantity, the morphine-related addictive property of carbs changes my mental chatter and I begin craving more of them and rationalizing why I need them or should have them. It messes with my ability to make good choices...sometimes for days, sometimes for months as it did last fall.  A small exposure, taken consciously and not in the midst of an emotional challenge is received better and doesn't send me down that path.  Consciously is the key here.  For example, in Vermont Ian and I picked 6 cups of fresh blueberries and were faced with an afternoon of "hanging around" followed by a cookout with friends. So together we baked a traditional blueberry pie. I savored it when I had it and was aware that later when the craving for more sweets/carbs hit, I was ready for it and knew it was the carbs talking.   Overall, I have a much easier time saying no to the first bite than I do talking myself out of a second piece so its just easier not to have it at all. That doesn't mean I never will make the choice to have something sinfully delicious, I am focused working on making conscious choices, savoring the moment,  and knowing what to expect afterwards.  

The physical component goes like this for me. Carbs and processed sugar make me lethargic and hungry. The spikes and falls in blood sugar coupled with the gluten is hell on my system.  If you mix flour with water you get glue. So bread, essentially, acts like a gluey sticky mess in the digestive system making all other digestion less efficient.  

Meat.  I have been occasionally eating meat over the last several months and this is what I learned. Not only is it a gateway drug for me because I feel so miserable afterwards, it makes me angry and agitated, which leads me back to carbs for soothing.  I also suffer insomnia after having it yet am also exhausted.  Probably because my body is so busy trying to digest it, it doesn't have time for any other activities.  The anger and agitation is so apparent it is not worth having it at all. This is where my patience that is so abundant when eating raw foods, disappears entirely. I am snappy and angry. I yell a lot. I get sick of my own voice. I become resistant to everything and what you resist persists. So Ian and I get into control conflicts that I must "win". Battles of wills abound.   I know a lot of you  will think I am crazy, but I recognize this as the energy of the animal I am eating being taken into my body. If you can imagine the mental and emotional state of a factory farmed animals in tight living conditions culminating in an inhumane slaughter...that is the anger I manifest when eating them. It comes right through me.  I'm all set with it.  Ironically, I do not have this same reaction to fish at all. I try to always choose wild fish that is not over-fished or high in mercury and enjoy it occasionally.  I do not experience any of the same symptoms.  It took several "tests" of this theory before the cause/effect relationship sunk in for me.  My final confirmation came again this past weekend in Vermont.   I came up from putting Ian to bed RAVENOUS (never a good place to be) and the cook-out menu on this night was burgers and dogs on white bread.  A third reincarnation of the leftover salad in the fridge as my only healthy option was quickly discarded because I was unbelievably hungry and bored with the salad.  I quickly and unconsciously rationalized how long it has been since I had a hot dog and hamburger and before I knew it my burger was on the grill and I was eating a hot dog.  At this point, I did stop and became conscious, or mindful as the Buddhists would say.  Then, at least, I  savored and enjoyed the food as I chewed it appreciating that it was a rarity in my diet.  I did this for the burger on white bread too.   After this I easily rationalized unhealthy eating for the remainder of the evening and enjoyed too much dessert.....and I paid for it later.  I tossed and turned all night. I was sweating. I got up several times.  The drive home the next day was horrid. I was exhausted, angry. I pissed off Evan as Ian played off my short fuse and antagonized me the whole way home.  It was utterly miserable.  I will never say me and meat are done forever but I think its highly unlikely that I will ever choose it unconsciously again and not fully understand the aftermath that will be in store. Meat is, by far,  the single worst thing for my mental and emotional well-being.  Without it, it's smooth sailing.  I do sometimes wonder if ethically raised, "happy" meat or wild meat would make a difference but for right now, I don't care to find out. I'm sure at some point I'll conduct that experiment. 

Physically speaking, eating meat cause a spike in white blood cells. The body recognizes a foreign body and mounts an immune response.  I don't feel the effects of this per say, but I do know that Ian does not eat meat and eats a diet very high in raw fruits and vegetables and is rarely sick. (knock on wood). I feel his diet combined with his no-vaccination, no-antibiotic, full-term breastfeeding history is the reason he has thus far enjoyed the benefit of  health. When I go through a crap-eating period, so does he a bit by default and whala...he's sick or at least he looks sickly with dark circles, congestion, and puffy eyes.  When I say this I by no means take his health for granted or like  it is some sort of accomplishment on my part. I am just grateful to have a very healthy, happy boy thus far and I believe my choices for him are supporting his growth and wellness. 

Dairy:  By this I mean cow's milk products mostly, but for me also goat and sheep. This one affects me negatively purely on the physical plane. I sourced local, raw, naturally raised cow's milk so any of the other factors with milk procurement have been neutralized as far as inhumane treatment and hormones.  Milk products give me excess phlegm and eczema and when consumed in excess, zits. Cream and butter don't contain the casein protein, so they are less of a problem if I want them, but I generally don't choose them anyway.  There is a lot of information to read online about cow's milk but it is one of the least effective forms of calcium for people. Dark leafy greens and nuts are a much more useable form of calcium for humans. That said, I do buy this local milk occasionally and make it "live" again by making yogurt for Ian.  He doesn't do well with dairy either but I like him to have some animal products in small amounts. I don't want to experiment with his growing body and nutritional needs and he seems to handle this form of dairy just fine. 

So here I am, 2 years raw-ish and 3 weeks pretty easily and effortlessly enjoying a high raw diet.  I've lost almost half of my 20 transient pounds.  The first two years gave me lots of time to learn and grow and also to adjust. The food preparation is different. It requires some different equipment to really live the lifestyle and feel satisfied both as a consumer and as someone who loves to create in the kitchen.   Two years to finally uncover and start working on the deep seated emotional eating, cravings, and patterns.  And a lifetime left to work on where my challenges are. Socially, traveling, visiting family and friends, these are where most of my poor choices take place. I can't travel with my kitchen, I can't stay home indefinitely, and not very many people adopt a raw lifestyle. I can always only do the best that I can.  After all, I am visiting Paris next week for the first time and I do plan to mindfully and with full awareness enjoy a perfect croissant.

 I feel like huge strides have been made, the biggest ones being in the emotional awareness realm and breaking unhealthy habits.  New adventures in raw food are of interest to me as I explore and learn more about wild edibles, living natural spring water, and individualized herbal elixirs.  Looking forward to more of this amazing journey, wherever it takes me.

The Monarchs in Mystic

I was so excited to attend a talk by "celebs" in the raw food world, Matt Monarch and Angela Stokes Monarch.  Both have followed individual paths into raw foodism that ultimately crossed and culminated in their recent marriage.  Matt Monarch has been nourished by a raw vegan diet for 11 years and travels to share his experience with this diet. His business is Raw Food World, a website containing all your raw food culinary needs. Sometimes, he has some good sales going and it is worth being on his mailing list for the coupon codes.  His new bride Angela Stokes has a very well publicized story of her impressive weight loss (160 in 2 years) and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual transformation.  She gained her following in the blogosphere and has since published several pamphlet style books and at least two real ones. They both create a show on Youtube about healthy raw living. 

The evening was coordinated by our local raw foodie community organizer, Gina. The evening began with a scrumptious dinner of pate stuffed tomato, kale salad, and onion bread.  The ladies of Citrus Juice Bar and Cafe in Mystic did a lovely job pulling it all together.  The small space was filled, about 30 people were there.  The Monarchs arrived, we all sat and watched them unload their merchandise and chatted until it was time for the talk to start.  I sat next to Gina's dad and raw food author, Frank Ferendo, with whom I have developed a friendly relationship via our blogs and on Facebook.  He is the author of the book Reasonably Raw, which is available through amazon.com.  I have browsed this book and would recommend it to anyone who is curious about the lifestyles and the reasoning behind it.

Frank's most recent blog post on the Monarch's visit was very amusing and offered a glimpse of his experience having these raw celebs stay in his house.  However, I am compelled to comment on some of his observations and offer a bit of a different take on the evening.  Please stop here and read Frank's post on this because he sums up the content which I am not going to repeat here in full.  

Back to our Sunday evening talk...

I have not read Matt Monarch's book. My impression of him prior to meeting him was that he was a simple guy, maybe a surfer,  from CA who happened into this lifestyle and shares what he has learned along the way.  I've never been blown away by his information, but I like his website for ordering products.  Hearing him talk, pretty much left me with the same impression, except dial it up to full-on CA frat-boy surfer dude. That's not a bad thing at all, but for me it did not serve the spiritual message he was trying to impart. I respect that he makes absolutely no claim of being an expert on anything except his own personal experience. He does share some gems if you can hang in there and listen for the inspirational nuggets between product placement and high colonics.    Personally I would like to see him tune into the audience a bit more.  A room full of newer raw foodies and the rawcurious, might benefit from hearing colonics exist once or twice, but it is a big leap for someone coming off a standard cooked food to want to go get their insides professionally Roto-Rootered once a month.  I've been in this lifestyle for 2 years and I personally am not interested in hearing a 30 minute focused sermon on the importance of colonics, let alone locating, traveling to, and shelling out for such a service.  I see the potential benefit in removing the decades of mucoid waste we've accumulated and how that might help some people but the whole time we heard about Matt's intestinal sludge I was empathizing with those people in the room who might have been hearing about this for the first time.

Another main focus of Matt's talk was the progression of a cleaner and cleaner diet to the point of ultimately becoming a breatharian, someone who lives on only air, sunshine and universal energy.  This isn't the very first time I have heard Breatharianism but I have yet to come up with an ACTUAL Breatharian to read about in cyberspace.  They are a bit like the Loch Ness Monster; existing primarily in theory and imagination. I am certainly not closed off to possibility, but at this time it is not on my bucket list to become one. The human being is an amazing creature and I can imagine a being so evolved and tuned into G*d and Universal Energy enabling them to subsist on simply fresh air and sunshine. It is a beautiful, but esoteric, concept. I envision this would be a state achieved by someone on a deeply spiritual life path, perhaps a Buddhist monk.   I think most of us can agree no matter our religious tradition that people like Jesus Christ, Buddha, Ghandi, and presently the Dali Lama or Thich, Nhat Hanh are rather highly evolved spiritual teachers. We study their lives, their teachings and emulate them.  These are some of the most highly regarded spiritual leaders of our past and present and as far as I know none of them aspired to be a Breatharian, so for me this is more a hypothetical state of nirvana than a tangible, useful concept. 

Matt did talk about his products and while I am not offended by the idea that the Monarchs did a talk and sold products from said talk, I was sort of turned off by his self stated "extremism" and pushing of certain products and superfoods. Extremism, in and of itself, is unhealthy. If you self-identify as an extremist, then to me that says, "I am unhealthy. I am not balanced. I do not feel good about my choices."  This is different than someone PERCEIVING what you do as extreme as I am sure many people think what I do is extreme.  And that is a subtle but key difference. Being in spiritual alignment with your choices are a key to healthy living, someone else's judgements of what you do are of no consequence. That's their stuff. But to say "I am an extremist"  invalidates the message.  He illustrated how extreme he is by repeating it several times.

 I understand the Superfood concept, thanks in great part to Gina and lots of reading.  There  is a place for some Superfoods if you gain benefit from them.  I am not averse to trying something here and there and seeing if its worth incorporating into my diet. However, I have noticed that within the Superfood movement there are members whose energy is that of a drug addict.  The desire to take something in powdered or pill form in high quantities or just a lot of different ones seems excessive sometimes and it is that energy that turns me off.   I'm all for filling in an obvious nutritional gap or solving a health challenge or imbalance nutritionally, but popping and pushing pills, powders and tinctures is a real turn off.   The raw food movement would serve society by helping people discover the tremendous benefits of raw food in and of itself.   Recipes, tastings, success stories, acceptance, open-ness, and love, that is what inspires people to make healthy choices for themselves.  

The Monarchs brought the contents of their warehouse with them for sale. I admire that they are living freely, traveling, and funding that travel with these personal appearances and product sales.  Anyone who makes a living doing what they love and believe in, serves the greater good.  It was a LOT of stuff for a small space.  They sold a lot of it too.  They have a good thing going. Very smart. Free from the rat race, I can totally get on board with that. 

After Matt's talk, came a short break for shopping and chatting  I asked Matt a few questions about a product he was selling.  I will admit that this was more to see if he was as  "connected" he as he claimed.  I had a strong sense of disconnection from him even though his words were all about being spiritually evolved.   His words conflicted with his being.  He didn't look like the glowing, centered person that I had thought he would.  Maybe it was shyness, maybe he was distracted because their vehicle was towed, but if there was any word I would use to describe Matt it would be DISconnected.   This was disappointing.  He had spoken for a while about his very recent recovery from an intense case of canine scabies he contracted when he rescued some puppies from Mexico.  Instead of pharmaceuticals he chose to use some of his superfood products and supplements in high doses. This coupled with the description of his ongoing bowel cleansing leads me to believe he is currently undergoing an intense detox and healing crisis. Suffice it to say, maybe he just wasn't himself.  We all have off days, nights....weeks sometimes.   

And then came a breath of fresh air.  Every woman is a Goddess, but the woman in raw food worthy of the title Raw Food Goddess, is Mrs. Monarch, Angela Stokes.    Open, sweet, witty, lovely, a ray of sunshiney "good" vibes, Angela delivered in 10-fold.  Her personality really came through during her brief talk on her journey since becoming raw and the unfolding of her life.  She was a charismatic speaker and very funny.  I think the whole room was captivated by her.  It is pretty obvious when someone eminates light and love.  People are drawn to these beacons in our life and Angela delivers this in her talk.  She spoke about her state of being at 300 lbs and how she transformed physically, mentally, and emotionally.  She spoke from the heart. She didn't spend much time on any particular product, just a few common sense ideas.  For example, how easy it is to sprout seeds and how this old school raw food technique needs a revival.  She spoke a bit about her new book Raw Emotions, and I think she sold out her stock of them while she was speaking. People were jumping up to grab their copy off the shelf, myself included.  She was a real person and a beautiful example of what can be achieved with a clean diet.  I went to this event really needing some inspiration, my raw food intake has waned over the last 8 months and I have the excess weight and mood swings to show for it.  I really needed some inspiration and she delivered.  Her book, Raw Emotions, is about how to deal with food addictions and the mental, emotional, and spiritual journey that accompanies a change in diet and lifestyle.  While it focuses on raw food,  I can see this book helping almost anyone whether Weight Watchers, South Beach or any number of other lifestyles resonates and works for you. None of them will work long term unless we heal internally as well.  Raw Emotions addresses the unfolding of self during a health transformation.

Frank states in his post that he doesn't think eating better makes you more spiritual and this a main point I disagree with.  I completely accept that may not be how it works for some people, I am one of the ones that it did for this way.  As I have stated in many past blogs, dis-ease comes from within (spiritual) to without (physical) with shifts in the emotional/mental realms along the way. While the SHIFT must take place spiritually, in that, one must awaken and consciously take the reigns of their health, the healing happens in the reverse order of the disease.  Physical to Spiritual.  When the physical body begins to heal, it exposes what's gone off in the mental, emotional, and ultimately spiritual realm.  Those things must be healed too or the old patterns will come back whether with food or another type of addiction.  Angela's thoughts in Raw Emotions address exactly this topic. I have only just started it, but I hope to write more about this book once I finish reading.

I am sure every member of the audience that night took something different away from the speakers and each other.  I am sure different aspects of the talk resonated for different people. Some people in the audience seemed to be really connecting with the idea of colonics and asked about seeking one out locally. It was of service to some. This experience re-affirmed for me that we receive exactly the experience we need to learn a lesson and grow.  It also served as the catalyst I needed to re-examine my own recent choices.   Every interaction is significant because we've called it to us vibrationally; it already exists within us in order to manifest in our experience.   I find my work right now to try to be present for those moments so that I can grow from them and attempt to handle uncomfortable ones gracefully. It is hard work, that I find so much easier when I maintain a diet high in raw foods. I've noticed that most of my blog posts are written when I am maintaining close to 100% raw.  In this space I feel most creative and clear.  The times the blog is quiet is usually because I am not making the healthiest choices and am feeling too blocked and uninspired to have anything to share. 

I honor the people who share their personal journey openly as it helps me illuminate my own path. It gives me new ideas. It stretches my mind about what is possible. I take some. I leave some. I learn from all.  So thank you Matt, Angela, Gina, Frank, and all the other blog, book and message board authors and speakers who so openly share what you do to ultimately inspire people to find their own truth and lead fulfilling lives. That's the goal really, isn't it?

I found it! I found it!

My higher purpose, that is.  

I kept thinking it was something other than what I am currently doing.  I thought maybe it was that I should be a chef. Or the owner of a juice bar and cafe, serving foods that nourish the body and the soul.  Or was it that I should be more seriously pursuing a living as a doula, supporting mothers as they transition into a new role with the new little spirit who chose them as a guide.  Or maybe I missed my higher purpose when I didn't go to Berklee College of Music. I stop just short of calling it a 'regret' but it is by far the biggest "what if" of my life.  Or maybe its growing spiritually by studying homeopathy.  Or maybe it is that I should be practicing homeopathy and helping others.  So much time pondering, wondering and being open to what it is I am supposed to be doing that serves myself and others in some divine way. Waiting for the light to shine and show me the way to my path of service. So much time has been spent trying this and that and then feeling like I wasn't doing enough, like I should be doing more or something different.

And then yesterday, I found it.  In one not-so-extravagant moment, it occurred to me.  I am already doing it.   I am blessed to be able to stay home and guide my child and help him grow. I am lucky enough to be here to create a home we can all enjoy, which sounds esoteric but is in reality laundry, meal preparation, errands and other various and sundry household activities.  I am the reason my husband can go out into the world and earn a living as much as he is the reason I am able to stay home and nurture our child.  I can't believe I wasted so much time, energy and money trying to find something that was right under my nose.  I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a thousand different things everyday.  And when I am not distracted by trying to find "what I am supposed to be doing,"  I love doing it too. 

So today I let go of things that pull me from this center. As time moves forward, and my family grows, and I evolve,  I expect that my high purpose will evolve too.   But for now, THIS is what I am doing.  It's a welcome relief to stop looking outside for something that is already here. Everything I need, I already have.

Meditation Bubbles

A resolution of sorts, this year I am going to try to incorporate regular meditation into my daily routine. Finding the time is a challenge. I know I know, what's 10 minutes? Hell, what's 1 minute?  According to Oprah, if you can't find 60 seconds a day to meditate you just aren't on a spiritual path. To me, that sounded like a challenge and I accept. 

For the last few months my daily moment to myself has been taking an extra few minutes in the shower after the bathing portion is complete. I would sit and just take in the experience of being warmed by the water. It is my few moments of solitude and I enjoy it, but it didn't feel, well meditative.  

And once my day is going, I hardly find the inclination to sit still and meditate so really the only logical time for me is first thing when I wake up or last thing before I fall asleep and that's usually what happens...I fall asleep. I do find meditation helpful for that.

So this morning after Evan had showered and left the room, I lay in bed and meditated. I have the same trouble as anyone else new to meditation. My mind wanders off on all the things I should be thinking about and then I have to pull myself back.  I've had people say focus on your breath, count, pretend the thoughts are passing clouds and let them float on by but none of that clicked for me. This morning I came up with something that finally helped me manage the pesky mental chatter keeping me from the state of zen, so here is what I did.

I lay in bed and decided I was going to meditate for 60 breaths.  Breathing in and out I counted each one in my head. I imagined the number inside a bubble...like the bubbles you blow with the little plastic sticks.  On the inhale the bubble with a number 1 inside floated up and on the exhale it floated down and out. Then 2.... and so on.  This worked for me because my next goal was just "see" the number in the bubble with my mind's eye but not "say" it in my mind.   Everytime another thought appeared, and in my multitasking brain it was just in another bubble floating near my number bubble,  I simply popped it.  GONE.  It was the one form of imagery that finally worked for me.  I have heard that after some practice the need to count is no longer necessary to keep a quiet mind but for now I think its just what I need to center myself and do some meditation everyday.

Woefully negligent...

I've been negligent of my blog, you would think that this would have meant I've been busy and really its not. I've just been lazy.

We've been having a beautiful summer, its the first summer where we have not over extended ourselves with plans, trips, and commitments. Nearly every weekend has been a relaxing time, sticking close to home and enjoying friends and of course, Ian.  

Following closely on the heels of the Vitamix arrival, I was able to finally purchase the Excalibur food dehydrator to add further variations and dimensions to our raw food cuisine.  While I am far from 100% raw and don't really have the desire to become so, I've been enjoying the ability to make healthy snacks of different textures.  The experiments include a delicious fresh blueberry jam (blueberries, agave nectar, lemon, and dates). Half of this batch became fruit leather which Ian enjoys.  Corn chips came out only ok. They are good, but I think that recipe is going to need some more tweaking.  The winning recipe that has come out of the dehydrator has definitely been the cinnamon buckwheat cereal. I've made two batches of this so far and it is a yummy, crunchy, filling, and nutritious breakfast or anytime snack. Made with germinated buckwheat, maple syrup and cinnamon  it is made even better with sliced banana, strawberries and almond milk.  Even Evan enjoys it and my mom took home a container of it to snack on. 

I scored today at a local farm. I went in to buy nectarines and corn on the cob and noticed a box of tomatoes by the door. When I inquired the owner told me they were "# 2's".  The #1's were on display for 3.89/lb. The #2's were not aesthetically perfect with tiny lines or scars on them and therefore the whole box (24 lbs!) was available for $10.00. I was thrilled at this find and now have about 6 trays of tomatoes dehydrating in the Excalibur. I also made a large batch of fresh salsa and a delicious tomato based vegetable juice...with some to spare. 

Tonight we are off to the beach to have a picnic and fly Ian's new kite.   

Glorious Week of Summer

We've had a beautiful week. The weather has been summery and warm but not too humid and Ian and I have managed to get to the beach three times.   On Monday we met our friend Christine and her children at Ninigret Park where there is a small pond and sandy beach as well as a playground. Ian finally overcame his recent fear of playing in the water and had a blast splashing about.  On Wednesday we met our Mom group friends Kirsten and Kristen and all the kids at the same location.  And finally today my friend Carrie, who is my parents neighbor in MA, came to visit with her two children and we spent a few hours at Quonachataug Breachway where there is a great little strip of beach along the salt ponds. 

On Tuesday the electrician finally completed wiring our new whole house fan, the Airscape 1.7.

It's relatively quiet and after running for three evenings in a row, our whole house feels very cool, in fact its downright cold in the morning.  It's taken a few days to master the art of strategic window opening, but I think we have the hang of it now. As soon as the day warms up, we shut all the windows and close blinds on the sunny sides and the house pretty much feels like it has been air conditioned.  I think this might have been one of our best investments.

On the raw food front, I have recently felt like my eating had gotten a bit out of control.  I pretty much started veering off the raw food path last month during the graduation/birthday/father's day hoopla as well as other cookouts and never seemed to make it back to a healthy way of eating. One thing I have over the past year eating raw foods is that SAD or cooked foods are ADDICTIVE! Once I have some, I can go a few weeks before I finally get back on track. This week was that week. Eating when I am not hungry, finishing my plate even when I am full, or eating by the clock have all contributed to some major binging and an increasing scale to show the damage. Yesterday I finally had enough, bloated, grouchy, and feeling overall ick, I began my second juice fast.  I did one last October for about 2 days.   

So since yesterday I have been enjoying a hearty array of fresh organic fruit and vegetable juices and, you guessed it, the vitamix has been doing the work.  I simply add the fruits and veggies to the blender and let it whir and then strain the liquid through a nutmilk bag.   A nutmilk bag, I recently learned, is a shrunken down bag used to strain paint. So after spending $15.00 on my first one, I got three today at the hardware store for $6.00.  Score!  

In any case,  its pretty amazing how satiated I am from juice. The beauty of a juice fast is you get all the benefits of a fast (toxin cleansing, digestive rest, etc) without suffering because your blood sugar is kept stable and your body is flushed with all the vitamins, enzymes, and water that it needs.  It's like feeding your body liquid gold.  Since your body is not using its energy to digest anything, it can do other things like eliminate waste matter, bolster the immune system, make new cells, etc.   I feel wonderful! The bloating is gone and those pesky 7 lbs are melting away.  I've found fasting, even just fasting on juice until dinner for a few days, is a great way to break through a weight loss plateau if that is the goal.  For me, the raw diet is not about losing weight, which is probably why I've ate this way more and more over the last 12 months.  It is a lifestyle that resonates for me and I'm enjoying the journey without any particular destination.  

The other beautiful thing about a juice fast is it re-calibrates my palate and my feeling of fullness. Simply, I just make better food decisions for a long time to come after I break the fast.  Not sure how long I'll go on this one, but the second day has been pretty good so I think I'll keep going.

I'm In Love

I am head over heels for a new love.

He's big, he's black, he's got buttons that I know just how to push to make him groan.

He's everything I ever wanted and didn't know I wanted. 

The way he makes me feel, like I can accomplish things before I never thought possible.

He's the one I have been waiting for, the one I can't live without.

So goodbye old reliable, you've been great while I was waiting for The One. 

But even you know you don't compare.

He's a machine. 

He's beautiful.

My mother-in-law can have her little one back.

My Vita-Mix is here.

Finding Bliss on a Motorcycle

Today was a lovely day; sunny and warm. Ian and I went to yard sales first thing this morning so Evan could sleep in. When we returned, Evan's mom picked Ian up to go to an art show and out to lunch, so there we were with a whole day to ourselves.  I don't know if it was the weather or the opportunity of having a day without Ian, but I really wanted to take a ride on the motorcycle.  

At about 2 pm, we were ready to go and in a departure from things organic, vegan and health conscience, I suggested that the ride be to go get ice cream at Buttonwood Farm in CT.  For all of you Rhode Islanders, this is CTs answer to Brickley's in RI with the added bonus of ambience. In late summer the whole place is surrounded by massive sunflower fields. It's really impressive. The ice cream is almost as good too. 

Off we went. Evan donned his red handkerchief on his head, a look I find very sexy, and I climbed on the bike for the first time since the Summer of 2005 when I was pregnant with Ian.  The ride to Griswold, CT from here is a beautiful one on tree lined roads. The sun was warm, the breeze was refreshing.  Riding there, so close to Evan and free from parental responsibilities I remembered what it felt like when I was falling in love with him.  At the same time I was envisioning our future together as well as being present at that moment.  I felt our eternity in every direction, our past, our future, and the depth of that wondrous present moment. It was indescribably perfect.

My life is rich. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who I find unbelievably attractive and enjoy spending time with.  We have an intelligent and loving son, a beautiful home and a joyful life together.  Its funny how a simple Saturday afternoon ride on a motorcycle can all of a sudden be one of those moments. Those moments where everything in my life is in perfect alignment and the feeling of deep inner peace. Of joy. Of immeasurable bliss. 

 I love you Evan.   

And you can't sell the bike. 

Trees and Vines

I've been busy clearing the underbrush that is dead, scraggly, and otherwise impeding my view. Never being one who particularly enjoyed outdoor labor, I have recently discovered the joy of snapping dead branches, gathering rotted logs, and wrestling the persistent, suffocating vines that want to drag an otherwise healthy tree down.

I am fascinated by how strong those vines are, how they shoot down roots at every opportunity, and shoot up tentacles to climb the healthy trees, using them like a step ladder to reach higher than they could on their own. All in an effort to get to the highest point possible to receive the energizing rays of the sun but without a sturdy trunk to get there themselves. The vines remind me of someone drowning; grasping and clinging to whomever comes close and pushing them under so that they can reach the surface to breathe, while their savior is sacrificed.

The vines are covered in prickly thorns too. When I engage in a rousing tug of war with one, often I am injured by the thorns. Clearly they are there for that very purpose but they don't stop me. Nothing feels as good as winning that battle as a massive ball of prickly vines releases it's hold on the tree and comes tumbling down. It makes the scars worth it.

Gently, I help the tree stand up tall again.

Some are too weakened by the assault of the vine and the final fight to be free. I feel sad for them. 20 foot tall trees with their tops touching the ground in weakness. I prop them up against a nearby tree, give them an encouraging word or two and hope for the best. I've only given them a short reprieve. If they don't develop their own sturdy base to anchor themselves, then the vines will come back and overcome them.

Some are unaffected. The older trees with great round trunks and vast root systems shake off their vines easily. The vines are nearly dead and just barely hanging on. The give up easily and come down with minimal effort on my part. They really didn't need my help at all.

But some other young trees rebound taller and stronger than they were moments before. Skinny trunks right themselves while their leaves flutter happily in the spring breeze. Because of my work today, that many more trees are free to stand tall and can reach towards the sun's energy. They will grow stronger and next time the vines come creeping they won't get weighed down by them.

It's gratifying to know that my toil is clearing the view for all of us.

Photo: Arborvitae ("Tree of Life")

Hello, um, My Name is Renee...

and I am a blogoholic.

Yes, I admit it. I have a complete fascination for reading other people's blogs, the obscure details that they choose to share and usually with a greater sense of humor than I am capable of. It's like a Seinfeld episode when you read a really good one. I find myself hitting my favorite blog spots and feeling utter disappointment to discover there is nothing new to feed my addiction. A month goes by with no new blog and this junkie starts sending hate mail to the author demanding a fix. Ask Keith.

And speaking only to fellow blog junkies, isn't it just fantastic when you get a mention in someone's blog? It could be a casual mention in a blog that is read by 5 people, but hey, it's there. In print. For all the world...or just a handful to read, admire, and envy.

Blogs are a great invention. Everyone can have their little corner of the internet where they are the starring role and others gather 'round to read about their latest trip, their latest meal, or their latest excursion to buy socks....which, if the author is good, can be very entertaining.

Blog On my friends!......I am going to need it when the horrible TV shows that make up the summer line up starts and renders the other "Big Box With Lights" a useless source of entertainment for 3 months.

Dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum....

"I wrote myself a part and went straight to the top. I recommend that to anyone." Ricky Gervais (British Comedian)

Recently I have had a friendship come into my life with someone I've known for a long time. I'll call him Chief. Chief is an enthusiastic person who realized at a much younger age than most of us, what it is he wanted to do when he grew up. He on some level always knew he would be Chief. He didn't get their instantly, but by simply doing what he loved and doing what felt good he has now found himself in a place of incredible energy flowing towards him and with him.

When the time was perfect, and timing is always perfect, Chief began to beat his own rhythm. As he is finding, people with a similar rhythm start to gather around him and join in creating the most awe inspiring flow of energy in the same direction. Now, Chief may not consciously realize he is doing this but for me, its so much fun to watch. Chief is going to find that as long as he follows his bliss, what he loves, and keeps beating the drum to his own rhythm, people whose drums beat a similar rhythm will flock to him. The people attracted to the light that is streaming through him will all fall in line, opportunities will present themselves, and life experience will continue to be an endless stream of joy and success. At the same time, people in his life whose rhythms are not in time with his own will be repelled by the discord and will fall away - some will be repelled quietly and some will protest but fall away they will. It is uncomfortable to live with the noise, with light shining in their darkness. That is okay. They need to find their own rhythm in their own time.

Some people are stuck in the land of missed opportunity and do not realize it. They live their present moment regretting the decision they made in the previous one. This is a vicious cycle because they forever miss the present opportunity because of excessive focus on past or future. Light comes into the present moment, doing what you love channels this energy and creates more of it. More people, more energy, more opportunity, more joy and with it more material success. The most fortunate thing about this path is that the material success is secondary to the joy of doing and being. People who chase the material success without the bliss of doing will tire themselves out chasing. Maybe that's where the term "rat race" came from because they spin their wheels with the throngs of others perplexed at how a seemingly few got ahead and out of the race.

Writing this, I just thought of one of the books I read to my son frequently and it just took on a whole new meaning in this moment. An "ah ha!" moment. I love it when that happens! The story starts with one monkey happily drumming a drum and by the end of the book millions have joined into the rhythm. Along the way, there is material success with "rings on fingers" and "hand picks an apple." Monkeys with compatible instruments join in the rhythm with banjos and fiddles. But in the end the leading monkey is still blissfully beating his drum because that is where his joy of being resides.

"One hand two hands drumming on a drum

Dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum"

... progressing to

"Hand in Hand More Monkeys Come"

...culminating with

"Millions of Fingers and Millions of Thumbs, Millions of Monkeys drumming on drums."

Dum Ditty Dum Ditty Dum Dum Dum

Chief, I am so proud of what you are doing and I am so grateful that your light reaches all the way to Rhode Island.

Slaying Dragons

Over the past year I have slain several dragons; undesirable behavioral patterns that were not beneficial to anyone, least of all me. It started the first time I met a gifted homeopath working in RI 2 years ago. My friend who saw her, referred to her as a Sage and I think it is an appropriate term. For 6 months I was skeptical, but the more I read and experimented, the more I realized I needed her help. Always being one for self-evaluation and change, I felt stuck. There were things about myself that I didn't like and, honestly, didn't feel represented who I truly was on the inside. However after several attempts, I was unsuccessful at changing these patterns on my own. I needed something to help me transition, shed the ugly layers of my personality that I grew over my lifetime to reveal someone more like the people I admired. I was so full of judgement, fear, and defense mechanisms. I didn't know how to be open and friendly to people. I wanted to achieve a sense of calmness, clarity, and genuine compassion for others. Of course, with these mental and emotional challenges came unpleasant physical symptoms: because all that ails us physically is directly a result of our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. This is something I have learned to be true through my experience with homeopathy.

Following 8 months of sessions and 2 carefully chosen remedies, I have experienced growth on many levels. I'm no longer in a job I resent or a body I poison with rich and addictive foods. My body is free of unwanted physical symptoms, or dis-ease. Most of the time I experience great clarity in thought, I am able to not "react" to things that are done or said to me but recognize that I am calling my experiences to me. I look for how to grow from negative circumstances instead of being a victim of them. I find it easier not to react to other people but to listen and validate. Granted, I don't do any of this as well as The Sage, but each day I gain more wisdom and clarity and find even greater peace, patience, and love for others.

This is until my husband and partner decided to attempt an adult conversation with me about some of his concerns on the domestic front. He approached me in a healthy and loving way and in a complete departure from the direction I am trying to grow, I, in a phrase, lost my mind. Instead of listening to his concerns, validating his points, and working as a team the way I promised in our wedding vows, I took everything he said as a personal attack and sulked. How's that for clarity and growth? Not exactly my proudest moment.

It made me realize that I do have more dragons to slay. I sit and think about why I get so defensive. And more specifically, why am I such a procrastinator? Why do I hate being micro-managed with "to do" lists (even if I make them myself!) yet also don't know how to accomplish things without them? Why do I so deeply in my core resist my time being structured? Of course, like any normal person, I can first blame my parents. After all, they overdid the control thing a tad during my teen years and I responded with absolute rebellion. However, I'm 32. I cannot blame my parents for my current behavior patterns and responses when I should be adult enough to decide to change them. But can I? We're talking 15-20 years of deeply instilled habits. Rebelling now isn't rebelling against some parental dictatorship over an arbitrarily early curfew, rebellion now is only hurting me and my familiy in the end. I don't know how I am going to right this glitch in my path to wellness, but I am damn sure going to somehow. I think I may need to visit The Sage again, not sure I can take on this beast by myself.

On Compassion

I get daily quotes from the authors of Ask and It is Given. A lot of them resonate for me, but this one is really good. It is this belief that helps me to be a more compassionate person and also to not let myself be affected by the undesirable actions or words of other people.

"These beings, that are acting out in those ways that you find so awful, are tormented and suffering in ways that you will not understand. Their horrible acts are extensions of that pain. We also have to say to you -- no one who is not a vibrational match to that could be their victim." - Abraham- Hicks

I try to remember that when someone does or says something that irritates me. It is a reflection of their own pain, fears, and thoughts. If I can see this quickly enough I am able to respond to them with more compassion than I ever (in years prior) thought I was capable of. I used to be so quick to judge and snap. If I do find myself having an emotional reaction, I need to recognize that that is a susceptibility in ME. It is MY pain, fears, and beliefs in conflict with whatever the other person is putting out there. When I recognize this, which is not always as quickly as I would like, I can recognize that the only reason it bothers me is because my weakness is a perfect match to their pain. If I change my energy - and by that I mean my emotions - around the given subject, my need to react goes away and conflicts are avoided. I am getting better and better at this as time goes on. Recognizing other people's "stuff" or emotional baggage as soon as possible helps me avoid conflict and, actually help them to feel better too. Because then I am not longer reacting to them as I am supporting them to help find a place of feeling better.

Mommy Group

In September I joined a local group on meetup.com comprised of moms in my community. Most people who I told about this, looked at me cock-eyed and offered some variation of, "YOU joined a mom's group?" Implication: You are socializing with new people purposely?
Why yes, yes I am. I told you I have grown!

I admit, this may be one small step for your typical, well socialized human but it was one giant step for me. Yes, it was a step , ok, LEAP out of my normal, antisocial comfort zone, but I felt ready to do something new. I am happy to report I love it. I've been to several meet up events over the last few months and have enjoyed meeting new people and their kiddies. Of course, there are some ladies I feel more inclined to spend time with than others, but overall everyone has been welcoming and friendly. The group has offered Ian and I the opportunity for several outings a week but we generally only attend one or two. The bonus is, this keeps me from the other nasty habit I have to fill my time. Shopping. Granted, now that Ian won't ride in a cart anymore shopping no longer has the same appeal. What I like most about it is I now know of several moms whose company I really enjoy, but at each event there is the opportunity to meet new members so there is always the chance of making new friends. It seems the moms really bond on the Mom's Nights Out, which I have yet to join in on. I hope to soon.

A small subset of this moms group started a babysitting co-op. It is managed through the website www.babysitterexchange.com. We just started this up, but I think it is really going to work out well for us. Each member, once approved is alloted 40 points to start. Then, when you would like a sitter, you put out a request with the date, time, and how many children. The other moms in the group indicate whether they are available and you choose which one will watch your munchkin(s). The cost is 1 point per child per 15 minutes. So it ends up working as a trade. You earn points when you babysit for others and you pay points when someone babysits for you. It really is a great idea and as the group gets more used to using it, I think it is going to be really helpful to everyone that participates.

Crazy Day and Rachael Ray

I wrote this almost two months ago but wanted to wait to post it until after the episode aired. However, the episode has not aired yet and it probably won't, so here it is anyway!

A couple weeks ago I was contacted by the Rachael Ray show for a possible upcoming segment, that they have since abandoned. Last week they contacted me again to see if I was interested in doing a "pet psychic" segment, they wanted a champion dog that had an odd behavior or something that would be "helped" by the pet psychic. I didn't have such a dog but, being swept up in the fun of TV, told them I'd think about it and get back to them. I phoned my friend Amy whose dog Skye is a Champion but decided last July that she was done showing. Fast forward, after a bazillion phone calls, a meeting and "back story" taping, and four days, Amy was set to go the studio on Tuesday to tape the studio audience segment.

Monday evening started normal enough, but slowly took on a life of its own. Amy and I spoke and she was upset by the directions the pet psychic was planning to take with her "reading." (Her "reading" was neither psychic nor helpful). Amy, being a caring and sensitive person, expressed some dread over getting herself into this predicament. I, being the one who essentially put her there, felt exceedingly guilty. I was also seething that this "psychic" was so obviously manipulative as to hone in on a sensitive matter for Amy and use that as her "reading."

8 pm Phone Call: I encouraged Amy to cancel if she felt better about it. She agreed. At this point Pat was going to babysit Ian for the day so I could accompany Amy to NYC. Thinking I'd still get some errands done, I emailed Pat with the change in my plans but to tell her I'd still see her in the morning.

10 pm: Phone Rings

The producers promise Amy that the psychic will not broach the undesirable subject and that they don't run that kind of show, etc. Blah blah blah. Amy's trusting spirit caused her to agree to go to the taping, I with more than a little doubt in their integrity, agreed to go with her to NYC. So now we're back to getting up at 4:00 am, so off to bed I go.

11:00 - I'm finally in bed my head spinning with everything that might happen the following and how I might react to it. Sharpening my razor claws if they so much as try to push Amy around, I was ready to slay this psychic and the producers if they gave me the slightest reason. I was so disappointed in how contrived the whole situation was. I mean, I know you can't really believe what you see on TV but, I guess I never really imagined how much so. So in retribution, I enjoyed imagining being able to call that out onto the carpet if given the opportunity. Yes, my mind spins in strange directions and the later it is, the stranger the train of thought.

I finally fall asleep, my guess is about midnight.

12:45 am - " MORNING! " Evan and I greeted by the toddler who was convinced it was time to get up and start the day. I can't even remember who got up and put him back, it might have been Evan. But either way, I was up and now listening for the pitter patter of feet so I could promptly send him back to bed....which I had to do at least twice. I think he finally fell asleep by 1:30, so I finally fell sleep again by 2:00.

3:00 am - PHONE RINGS. One of my doula clients is in labor, water broke so she is sure today is the day. I cheerfully agree to await their next phone call so I can go be with her. I then spend the next hour and fifteen minutes, partly dozing and partly downshifting my emotional state from ready to claw someone's eyes out to lovingly attending a woman while she births her child.

4:15 am - I call Amy (she needed to be up to leave) to tell her I will not be able to come with her to NYC. I think she was disappointed but she could have just been sleepy. Finally, I hope to get a few hours sleep before I have to go to the hospital. I settle into bed.

4:30 -PHONE RINGS It's the expectant dad. They are going to the hospital. Alright, up I get, shower, and leave the house by 5:20.

5:30 am - CELL PHONE RINGS. It's Evan. Baby is already out. (WOW, ok, did they even make it to the hospital I wonder?) Back to plan A, I call Amy, turn the car around and head to Mystic arriving right on time. I request a pillow for the ride to NYC for some reason thinking I will sleep on the way. Fortunately, my emotional claws were now filed down because I had to change gears into "birth doula" mode and, as with real claws I couldn't regrow them on such short notices. It was better anyway, my outlook about the upcoming events was more curious and optimistic. Besides, functioning on less than 2 hours of sleep, I wouldn't have been capable of any savvy word exchanges.

10:30 am - We arrive at the studio. That's right, 4 hours. The 2 hour and fifteen minute drive took four hours. Blech.

By 11:30 we were ensconced in a tiny 10x10 "green" room with Amy's name on the door, a sad looking plate of fruit, and a bucket of ice and soft drinks. Amy and Skye were brought to the "audience holding" room to await her interview while Lindsay and I turned off all the lights to create a movie theater atmosphere, sunk onto the hard couch to watch the live feed on the plasma screen.

Amy did wonderfully with the interview, handling herself with grace and charm. She quickly realized she wasn't really supposed to talk much it was all about the animal communicator. You could see it that Rachael Ray wasn't all too enchanted with her guest and pretty much stumbled over the words of having to call her a communicator or a psychic. The psychic lady didn't stick to her agreement and did delve into an area that was supposed to be off limits, but Amy handled all that just fine. It was painful to watch the ludicrous way in which this psychic "told" the dog what she said she needed to hear knowing full well, all the nonsense she was spewing was from the phone interview she had with Amy the previous night. Rachael, clearly a dog lover, was very tuned into Skye and worried about her nervous behavior. She was only shaking a bit, which, and I think most Canaan Dog owners would agree, would be expected in such a situation. Skye, who before cameras rolled quickly allowed Rachael to approach and pet never really wanted to warm up to the "animal communicator", allowing only one brief scratch when she was focused on something else. I consider Canaan Dogs a pretty good judge of character.

Amy returned to the room and received several compliments from various producers about her segment. The producer heading up this segment rushed into the room and asked Amy what she wanted cut from the piece. I thought it turned out pretty well too, though I won't really know until we see how it is cut.

So here is the interesting part. After it was all over, the producers started implying that we were expected to leave the set now. The night prior when Amy nearly backed out to the producer, she had been told that we would all get to meet Rachael and take a photo, etc. So she inquired. The producer said that she would try to get her to come by during her next costume change and warns us that she'll only have two minutes.

So here was the single most interesting part of the day for me. In walks Rachael, followed by three producers standing in the doorway. She walks into the tiny room, spots Skye on the couch and heads right for her, ignoring Skye's warning growl, wraps her arms around her and was hugging her and talking quietly to her. Skye, by this point is busy looking over Rachael's shoulder and keeping a watchful eye on the people lingering just outside the door. A minute of the two minutes goes by. She has not spoken a word nor even looked at the three humans standing the room. I say, "You really love animals don't you?" Ignored.

She gets up and turns to walk out of the room. Amy, who was standing by the door, subtly body blocks her and asks if it would be alright to take a photo with Lindsay, as its her birthday tomorrow. I think I heard Rachael mumble "Sure" flatly and then poses for the photo. Walks out the door. Without looking at her, I think she reached out and lightly touched Amy's back and said, "Thanks sweetie" very quietly. Then she was gone. It was the strangest two minutes. I mean, no "Hi", no "Thanks for coming", NOTHING. There was absolutely no acknowledgement of the three humans standing in arms distance from her. BIZARRE. Lindsay said later, "Someone forgot to wind her up." I mean I wasn't expecting any meaningful conversation or deep discussion, but a "hi how are you, thanks for coming," I don't think would have been too much to ask. Maybe she was just on autopilot because she is ushered around by producers from costume change to makeup to stage and back and is probably not used to having to be social between activities. I don't know. I will say she was strikingly beautiful in person, more than she appears on TV. I was surprised by that. She also had put on a fantastic black dress that Lindsay and I both envied.

And that's it. We carried our stuff out to the car and we were off. We stopped for a smoothie on the way home because we were all starving. Believe it or not it took nearly four hours to get home too. So to recap that's 8 hours in the car, 3 hours in a tiny room, 2 hours of sleep , and 2 minutes with Rachael Ray, and that's my crazy day!

Labels

I'm not a fan of labels. They are so formal and final. I have an internal struggle against being dogmatic about beliefs and allowing myself freedom to make choices. Being labeled automatically triggers a desire to rebel...against myself, sick huh?

I was contemplating the term VEGAN. An awful sounding word, isn't it? It sounds so, empty, yet snotty and militant at the same time. As in,

"I am VEGAN. I wield pointed carrot sticks for nourishment and as weapons against meat eating neandrathals."

It also feels so FINAL, like a vow of celibacy. "From this day on, I vow against the consumption of anything tasty of animal origin, never ever again will I allow myself to sink so low." See, that's just not me. Culinary pursuits are an art form, an outlet for my own creative energy. I respect when others practice this art, no matter their medium. Though for my own consumption I prefer that a slab o'meat not be the star of the show.

The first self-proclaimed VEGAN I met was 10 years ago at one of my college work study jobs. She, above all else, shaped the nuance of this word for me. VEGAN was a nice enough person but I distinctly remember her statement that she was the healthiest person she knew, as she sipped her bottled Evian, which, no doubt, she recycled. At that point in my self evolution, I found her intimidating and self righteous. Maybe I still would. Or maybe it's just a matter of perspective and now I'd find her enlightened. Maybe others find me intimidating and self righteous. I guess its all a matter of the shoes we're standing in at the time. No one likes to have their own "truths" challenged. But, if a belief is so readily challenged maybe it warrants re-examination? The universe serves us up constant lessons (which I've learned we call to us through the Law of Attraction.....another topic...) and when we are bothered by something, well, that just means there is something to be learned. It's hard to remember this in the heat of a moment, but I try to.

In any case, I also remember an end of summer barbeque at VEGAN's house where her carnivorous housemates were not allowed to grill animal flesh on her side of the grill. At the time, I didn't understand the need for territory delineation on a Weber. Was she afraid that steak would leave animal cooties on the grates that would jump onto her veggie burger? For health reasons, I understand that grilling creates carcinogens but that would be true for food of animal or vegetable origin. In any case, it seems that people who choose a cruelty free diet are usually doing so for animal rights reasons, and those people appear more directed and purpose driven in their choices. While the health conscious folks seem less militant in their ideals. Just an observation from these worn-down, fleece-lined slippers.

I feel better physically and contented spiritually when I avoid meat and dairy. But in the end, I eat what I want when I want. For the last 5 or 6 months, that choice has been primarily for organic, plant based foods, and increasingly raw, organic, plant- based foods. Occasionally I enjoy the eggs that my friend, Kelly, generously gives to us. Ultra fresh, free range, organic eggs from happy and well loved chickens. I don't have any problem with that...right now, but who knows? I may grow to feel better avoiding them too. My spirit feels lighter knowing I am not contributing as much to the factory farming industry or negatively impacting the environment with animal product consumerism. On the contrary, I also enjoy dining out and not nitpicking over every ingredient in my meal. Life is too short for that. I eat what I want to eat and most of the time I want to eat plant based food. And when I don't, I don't. Call me crazy, but please don't call me VEGAN.